|MF Doom - Lemon Grass|
As you probably noticed, I haven't been around in a while. Ironically, the world wide web makes me feel isolated. I've had so many things to say, to share and what-not, but when I get ready to put it down or halfway through my missive, I start thinking...
"What's the point?"
I mean... what the hell is the point? How many people listen, or even care? My efforts to be creative have been stifled by the echoes in my mind. I try not to blame anyone for that except myself, though. I've always collected enough people in my life to have an intense, familial relationship with. I've never been a crowd-pleaser or a fan favorite. Another irony, which seems to be a way of life for me, is that I work in the film and television business, in which success or at the very least growth is built on relationships. I have my dreams in place, but I need help that I've always been fearful to ask for. I don't know why, it's never been right to me to ask for help with anything.
I refuse to feel sorry for myself. During an email conversation earlier either this year or last, I described some of the things I've experienced in life, and my friend responded, "gosh, you've had a tragic life." I paused at this. Yes, I've experienced quite a bit of tragedy in my life, enough for me to never wish it on anyone else. But until then, I'd never let it define who I was. I had to examine this thoroughly, but my immediate response was, "I wouldn't say that." I don't compare my circumstances or feelings to anyone else to make myself feel better. It is true that there are worse things in life than what I've been through. It could happen to anyone, but at that time it happened to me and my family. I never take that or anything I have now for granted.
I deal with ghosts every day, which in 2016 is as ironic as it can get. With so many people of world renown who have had an impact on society that I merely dream about passing away this year alone, it's far more than the average citizen can take without changing who they are into something painful. I've not been immune to that pain. I've just dealt with it in a different way.
I, I, I, me, me, me. Do you see where this is going? I can't get out of my own way sometimes. Who do I owe any of this explanation of myself to? It dsepends on who's reading or listening, I suppose.
Next year, I will be getting married for the first and only time. I will be entering the new year having achieved a goal in life I set out to make much earlier in becoming a member of a strong and important union. I'm organizing and implementing the next phase of my life plan, in hopes that this time the waiting period for fruition will be much shorter.
Next year, I'm hoping that tragedy will leave me alone. I'm building up my knowledge and awareness to protect myself and the people I love. I am not as naive as I was entering the year, and I'm far more alert than I've ever been. I owe nothing to anyone who doesn't have my best interest at heart and doesn't have my back; no matter the race, gender, creed or whatever. This is not about me anymore. It's gonna be us. It has to be or else.
I leave you now with the feels. That's what I got listening to the music MF Doom has made over the past decade or so. I loved this cat as Zev Love X of KMD, and I love him even more as Doom. I can't imagine the things he's been through to become who he is, but his presence today is a testament to something greater than I can express in words. Really, his love for the craft is inspiring and something I hope to gain from in my own creative efforts. Peace brother, and thank you for surviving and shining.
...and isn't ironic; the idea of Doom bringing so much inspiration for living?