Friday, September 18, 2009

Right Now, I Feel Like...


Another bout with depression.  I don't have the words; rather I do, but I suffer too much doubt about what the reaction would be.  I'll sum it up like this: "If I don't talk about my depression with you, it's not because I don't think you care.  It's simply that you and I both know you can't do anything about it."  

I've talked about this before in a previous post; I live with depression because I can't afford to live anywhere else. In moments like these, I can't tell the difference between my dreams and the afterlife.  When I'm awake, I wonder if I'm living in reality or experiencing a long practical joke.  I question the existence of God, spirits and myself.  The only thing I'm certain of during these moments is that I am depressed.  In order to feel anything, I play songs with sad melodies; other types of music only make me angry at the idea that I'm ignoring or masking something important.  And hey, it's easy to say "get over it" or "get help, go see a counselor."  But unless you have health insurance to offer me for free, please keep those reflexes to yourself.  I am a freelancer/temp worker, which means that if nothing else I have a vested interest in how President Obama manages to deal with health care reform and the public option. 

Let's not kid ourselves, folks.  You know people who are like me who have "issues"; who either cannot or do not deal with those issues.  I fall in the cannot category simply because I cannot afford to see a counselor.  Sliding scales are more like slippery slopes to me.  And unless you can afford to see a counselor, there are no options.  Period.  You just have to learn to ride it out and try to keep the damage to a minimum.  And maybe you're a friend who wants to help, but you either don't want to get involved too deeply, or you simply don't know what to do.  I appreciate the thought, but again, I already know you can't help for whatever reason, so it's best not to mention it. 

So, for all intents and purposes, I am not well, but I will be in a little while because like all eclipses, it's just a moment in time.  Scary to look at up close, but marvelous from beginning to end.  I'll start talking again when the sun shines again.  Wish me the best! >;) 

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