Sunday, August 31, 2008

And the Cow Says: "From Hell's Heart I Stab At Thee!"

Have you ever wondered if Burger King and Wendy's were out to get you? I mean, what's with the flood of commercials and print ads exploding on the page or screen with big, huge, gigantic images of beef, dripping with greasy strips of bacon and cheese?

I've noticed that these two fast-food titans (plus Dairy Queen, which has taken the annoying step of hipping themselves by calling themselves DQ) have given urgent and not-too-secret indications that they want you to die. And not slowly and excruciatingly over time and a failed life of bloated misery and past dreams. They mean now; heart exploding when you walk up a flight of stairs now. Hand clutching chest while other hand reaches for the toilet paper now. Wake up in front of St. Peter, who says "Tell the truth, 'you gonna finish that?" now.

The irony here is, I like meat. Well, I did more as a child than I do now, especially since I'm not a child anymore and children's bodies can do things that adults' bodies can't do (like grow straight up overnight). I like chicken, then a little bit of beef (which has been getting littler by the year), then pork, then that's it. I used to looooove lamb chops, but at age 9 they suddenly started to taste really strange, so I quit. Now, beef is having that same effect on me, but I can't quit as easily as I did with lamb. I can go for a month or two without eating beef, but I won't regurgitate if I have a steak after so long. Even then, I've seriously cut down on how much I can take at one sitting. I miss Outback Steakhouse for that reason.

But since I've decided that I do want to live past my fifties when I get there, I've taken an interest in the things I eat. And with this awareness, I've also noticed how many attack ads are proliferating the airwaves, cable lines and publications telling people to ingest carcinogenic or irradiated meats in mass quantities. I expect the words to the National Anthem will soon be totally replaced by a chorus of "baconbaconBEEF-baconBEFF (clap!) baconbaconBEEF-baconBEEF (clap!)..." Sunday preachers will jump up and down screaming "LAWD HAVE MERCY!!" and mean it because they drop dead. Burgertime will replace Super Mario Brothers and Sonic the Hedgehog as the all-time most beloved video game in American history (and there will be new significance to Halo and Quake, not to mention what happens to Lara "Craft Table" Croft).

I'm just thinking ahead here, but I don't think these guys have your best interests at heart. Yet, it's undeniable that what's at steak (yeah, I said it) is a matter of the heart. Blah blah blah 860 calories blah blah 0 trans fat blah blah revenge is mine, gotcha.

Micky D's, by the way, has been conspicuously absent from the battle to kill all humans... or have they? I love the warm-and-fuzzy commercials touting a scary clown popping up out of nowhere and teaching children to get up off their butts and exercise. Otherwise, they don't love their mommy, who was kind enough to get them their favorite treat. My favorite commercials involve the black folks eating or craving Chicken McNuggets, or one of their multitude of chicken sandwiches. A catchy tune, a smile on everyone's faces and a message of love. Sounds like we've all got some voting to do in a couple of months!

Lastly. I miss ice cream. But after I had DQ for the first time in ten or twelve years, I can miss ice cream a little longer.